An Open Letter to my Daughter
To my beautiful first born daughter, I am so sorry that you have now been initiated into “the club”… if I could have spared this experience for you, I would have. And even as I watched the tears roll down your cheeks I found myself screaming inside for the ability to make the pain go away…
Your first true heart break. The person you saw as your best friend and love of your life has decided he wants to walk a different life path, one that you will not be travelling along with… and in the moment its devastating and confusing and you cannot see past it all to know there WILL be a better day…
Moving forward, people will give you advice, “you’re better off”, “you’ll get over it”, “better to find out now”… so on and so… people will try to share their experiences with you… and you will feel frustrated because right now you just need people to listen to you, and let you be sad…
PLEASE remember everyone means well…but I feel as your mom I need to tell you, you never truly get over your first heartache… there are lasting effects, it will shape your future choices, sometimes without even realizing it… because you no longer look at life with a heart that has never been hurt by another person… you have been initiated into the broken heart club… one that almost everyone has experienced… all I can promise you is that it will get easier, and life will get better day by day… every one heals differently…but if I can help you or anyone by sharing any wisdom I have learned I feel I should at least try… so here is goes:
Your Mama’s Advice on Heartbreak:
1. Do not expect the next person to automatically break your heart. You can enter with caution but do not paint the next person with the same brush. This is very hard to do but try to remember the each person you meet is a unique individual with unique experiences.
2. Friends will want to defend you by saying bad things about him, while at the same time you will want to defend him…because there will be a piece of you that always will love him, after all there is only one first love… however…do not be mad at your friends, as they only care about you and your heart… let them say their peace and know it only comes from the best of intentions even if they don’t really mean it as they are just trying to make you feel better. However also be weary of the drama seeking friends…you will know who they are, the ones that seem to only be available when there is a place they can interject and make themselves feel better by you feeling worse. Your true friends will let you ugly cry, stay in PJ’s and watch movies and then when an acceptable time passes, force you to put on make-up and go dance it out…in public… however to the Friends reading this: be very careful with your words, nothing becomes more awkward then those times that a friend may make up with an ex and get back together… some things can not be unsaid or unheard. For friends my best advice is to listen more and talk less… let her be heard, let her cry and then let her heal.
3. “It’s NOT you, it’s him….you are fabulous!” …remember this… always.
You did nothing wrong, and maybe he did nothing wrong… but you should never feel like you have to be anything other then the person you are in order to be loved equally. I remember once someone actually said that line to me “it’s not you it’s me” and I cut him off mid sentence and I said very confidently back to him…” Oh I know it’s not me, it’s totally you, I am fabulous and you are an idiot… so if you are thinking I am sitting around worried it’s me…I’m not”… (Honestly If my girlfriend wasn’t there to witness the conversation no one would have believed me)….but I believed it then and I believe it now…and you will get there…you will be comfortable enough in your skin to believe it as fact.
4. I promise, it will get easier… I can’t say when, and you may think it never will…but then one day you will realize you made it through a day without crying, or you will find yourself truly laughing because something was actually funny…then you will go a week and a month and time will pass… it doesn’t mean you have forgotten the hurt but much like mourning an actual death of a person, you will learn to deal and process…
5. Your feelings are real, they are allowed and you have a right to everything you need to feel to help move on… don’t let anyone ever tell you or make you feel that because you are young you’ll get over it… it is because you are young that this hurts so much…because you still see the world for its best, you see people for their best, older people may be more jaded and forget what it was like to be hurt for the first time, or that as we age we become better equipped to handle everything because we have more life experiences to draw on…. age has nothing to do with the level of realness that pain makes us feel.
6. When you reminisce about happy times and you start to get sad…try visualizing those memories in black and white…eventually your brain will decode the feelings attached to them and they won’t have as vivid a recall on your emotions… I’ve used this technique and it truly helps to make those sad memories fade away
7. Social Media…Oh good god….where can I begin… to be honest this is really a full post on its own, so I will keep my points here short and tight… I am fortunate to have embraced Social Media as it developed where as so many older parents that haven’t may not realize the other whole battlefield that plays out on these public forums. In a world of relationship status changes with a click of a button, people deleting photos to hurt the other, or deleting their friendship as a passive aggressive way of saying “Take That”, or the need to stay updated on their Ex’s every move or their friends updating you…etc.etc…all I can say is this: PLEASE stay classy… don’t fall into the traps of passive aggressive posts in hopes to bring everyone out of the wood work to side with you or against him or whatever… it brings out the wolves, the drama seekers and people who do not have your best interest at heart. Just live authentically and respect yourself so that the negativity doesn’t live in your social space.
8. Getting passed an old one by getting a new one – My advice on this is a solid NO… do not do this… it’s not fair to your emotional state, it’s not fair to the other people you meet and truly you need to slow down and learn about yourself. It’s not until you are really happy internally before you should give anyone else the gift of your sweet natured heart.
9. This piece of advice is a little selfish for me… I know that right now you only want to crawl in bed and sleep and that it may annoy you that I insist on coming to your place and clean your kitchen or vacuum your floors, or that maybe I am asking to many “adulting” questions like changing the lease, or the power or anything else…its only because it’s all I can really do. I can’t take my magic mom wand and absorb your pain…I really wish I could. All I can do is help where and whenever I can… so as hard and exhausting as it may be…just let your mother do it, because we as parent’s can feel helpless in these moments of wiping tears…
10. Lastly, Be good to yourself, get out of bed, eat, take a walk, love yourself the way your mother loves you…because it is a love that can never be stronger. As for us, our children have heard our hearts beat from the inside…and we truly want the world for you.
Trust me baby girl…you got this
~XO Your Mom
Follow Up Note: For those wondering, my beautiful daughter was the first person I shared this with before the public. And she gave her blessing to share with the world. She’s an incredible girl with a beautiful heart and we both hope these words can heal others.